“Life will give you whatever experience is necessary for the evolution of your consciousness.” Eckhart Tolle
How many of you have had near death experiences and still take your life for granted?
I can honestly say that I have faced death three times. You would think that the first experience would make me value my life and not take it for granted. I guess at that point in time I didn’t realize that I could have died and didn’t take it seriously or think about it at all.
It was only after the third time that I finally started to take the blinders off.
It’s November 11, 2009; I am crying throughout the night as I lay beside my ex-fiancé for the last time. The day prior we decided to call it quits. I asked him to leave the house for a couple of hours while I soak in this new reality. I packed all his shit by the door to expedite his departure out of my life.
A month and half later, I felt this pain in my heart, and it was longing for my ex-fiancé. I realized that throughout the years that I had built up walls and never expressed my true feelings. I wanted my ex back. I decided that I would put my pride aside and ask for him back. I called him and told him I loved him and wanted to work things out and that we shouldn’t throw away what we had. He did not want to work things out or get back together. I told him that I respected his decision and wished him the best in life and love. Little did I know, he already had moved on and cheated on me while we were together and got his new chick pregnant. The funny thing is that two months prior to us breaking up, I had a conversation with my sister in law, and I told her that I wished he would just cheat on me and leave me. Wow, talk about, “ask and you shall receive.” It turns out he regretted us breaking up and that he always wanted to marry and have kids with me. What’s also a bit hilarious is that my friend lent me this book to read several months back and just left it on my desk at work under my paperwork. I look at the book and the title was, “How to be Single.” I laughed my ass off at the irony. It was a great book, and it helped me get over the breakup.
Looking back at the situation, I realized that my gut was telling me all along that it was not right. I just thought it was the right thing to progress the relationship and finally say yes to his proposal. I was too weak to leave the relationship and call it quits because I already broke up with him two times before and always took him back. I was miserable and lost myself. I Isolated myself from my friends and family and never wanted to go out. I looked at myself in the mirror, not recognizing the person staring back at me. I was in pain and depressed, and I tried to numb it with food. I was the biggest I have ever been which was very difficult as I thought I would never gain weight because I was always fit and athletic. I contemplated committing suicide on many occasion because my irrational fucked up mind convinced myself that this was an easier way out.
Prior to this relationship, I broke up with my first love, which was a very traumatic experience. He was my everything but I could not stand the lies and cheating. Because of the lying and cheating I developed a lot of insecurities. I blamed myself like it was all my fault; I wasn’t good enough, lack of self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, and my self-worth was non-existence. I did not give myself the time to heal before I got together with my ex-fiancé and, therefore, I carried all those insecurities with me. There in lies the start of a relationship with a weak foundation.
I was with my ex-fiance for seven years from 2002 to 2009. During those years, I had two, almost three near death experiences. I never appreciated the many chances I was given because I was already dead inside an empty shell. As painful as the break up was, I felt a sense of relief like a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. I truly believe it was a blessing in disguise. I thank God and my guardian angels for watching over me and by letting the relationship end before I ended myself. With the death of this relationship comes a rebirth that allowed me a third chance at life.
I learned allot from this relationship, which resulted in the evolution of my consciousness. I also learned that you have to allow yourself to heal before you enter a new relationship, and you should always follow your gut. Compatibility in regards to ambitions, values, and characteristic are very important when getting into a relationship. In addition, I learned that you should not want to get into a relationship to make you whole. Both people in the relationship should be whole and have the ability to enhance their already amazing lives. I learned never to settle, value my self-worth and be brave to call it quits in relationships that do not serve me. Most importantly, I am now conscious of my awareness. I am awakened.